*

Errata: In the post with all of the youtube 80s cartoon themesongs, Transformers was the last entry. That honor should have gone to He-Man. Obviously. Don't worry. I fixed it.

And now . . . Hotbodypeebed Part The Last wherein our buxom heroine earns her distinctive moniker.

So, when we got to my apartment, I realized that I didn't have anything to offer her except for diet coke and water, and I was a little worried that I wouldn't seem sophisticated. I know that sounds dumb since I wasn't really into this girl -- but I was aware that her previous boyfriends had been millionaires, and even if she was a drunken narcissist, I still didn't want to be disappointing. But, out of nowhere she produced a bottle of wine. I was taken aback -- where had she kept that hidden? Her clothes were so tight. Then I realized that she had snagged it from my office on the way through the front door. It was a Christmas present from my boss that I had forgotten about -- she was like an alcohol bloodhound. I poured us each a glass of wine.

--Flash forward to the next morning: I was in my kitchen and I noticed that the wine bottle was completely empty. I never poured more than those first two glasses, so at some point during the date she went into my kitchen and killed the whole bottle. Now back to the date --

We sat on the couch. She continued to tell me about her beauty. By 11:00 I was bored and tired. I had to be at work in the morning. The novelty of the date's events had worn off. I was done. So, I said as much: "I have to get up early blah blah blah. Let's call it a night blah blah blah." Then this conversation --

HBPB: "I'll just sleep here."

Me: . . . uh . . . okay . . . I can just stay on the couch I guess.

HBPB: We'll share your bed.

Me:. . . uh . . . Do you need a T-shirt or something to sleep in.

HBPB: (Stands up, takes her shirt and pants off, and walks toward me room.)

Me: . . . (Follows)

HBPB: Introduce me to your room!

Me: . . . uh . . . HBPB this is my room, room, this is HBPB (I used her real name at the time).

HBPB: No!

Me: . . . uh . . . HBPB this is my bed, this is my closet and this is my rug.

HBPB: (nods her head once and gets into my bed)

Me: (shrugs, disrobes, joins her)

I know that I seem like a great big prude so far. The "I'll just sleep here" line should have clued me in that action was imminent. And, we had already kissed. But, it was pretty abrupt for one thing; I didn't really like her for another thing; and, also, I can be super dense. To the shock of my womanizing friends, I have failed to see the nipples of several girls whose beds I have shared. (Interesting corollary -- many of the nipples that I HAVE seen came to me by surprise. Sometimes dense is the way to go I guess. For example . . . we resume the story with a super hot mostly naked girl in my bed.)

We started making out. The remaining clothes came off. &c. &c. &c. Then I noticed that she was still wearing her socks.

Me: It's cute that you're still wearing socks.

HBPB: (Eyes suddenly glowing red, fingernails extending into claws) Why? Are you saying that I can't be HOT with socks on? (She threw me down and straddled me) HOT WITH MY SOCKS ON! (Grinding and writhing) HOT WITH MY SOCKS ON!

HOT WITH MY SOCKS

SOCKS HOT

HOT WITH SOCKS

SOCKS WITH MY HOT

HOT SOCKS

SOCKS ARE HOT

I was turned on I guess . . . but mostly very nervous. In addition to the sock talk, she was also making animal noises and panting like Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters when she was possessed by Zuul. But, I was gamely trying to get my head in the game when, without warning . . . she fell asleep and started snoring loudly . . .

70% confused, 15% disappointed and 15% relieved, I went to sleep too.

Then . . . 3:00AM . . . I woke up.

I woke up because me knees were cold.

My knees were cold because they were wet.

They were wet because she had peed in my bed.

!!!!!!

The way the covers were situated, most of the biohazard was contained in one comforter, so I wadded it up and threw it across the room. The next morning, I woke up before she did, got dressed and got ready for work. She continued to snore. At about 6:30, while I was watching TV, she came into the living room (totally naked) and asked me where her clothes were. I told her. She sat in my lap (which made me uncomfortable since I assumed that there was probably now urine residue on my pants). Eventually, she got dressed, and I took her home. In the car, in a much more sober voice, she continued to tell me that about the power of her looks. I dropped her off, and despite her lengthy campaign in support of its irresistibility, never saw her moist beauty again. 

I have friends who were furious with me when I didn't call her. They said that wild animal sex with a super hot girl should trump the casual urine issue, so I'll concede that my standards might be too high, but it's one thing to go on safari -- it's another thing to go native . . . I'm just not ready for that. 

The end.